Learning To Love Myself & Stop The Bullies In My Head.
My journey has been full of ups and downs. And, yes I've enjoyed the high life, however, it is the downward journeys that has made me the person I am today.
I considered myself a Christian all my life. My parents became Christians before I was born, and therefore, I was raised a Christian....So I inherited it. At least, I thought. I was an awkward child, pretty hairy growing up, had a uni-brow, peach fuzz on my upper lip, hairy arms, and more-than-average hairy legs. But other than that, I was cute, regardless, I believed I was ugly. I was extremely bullied at a young age, I was teased, constantly being called “Hairy And The Henderson’s.” I would run home crying, and as a result I started shaving at the early age of 9. Then finally the bullying subsided.
In high school I learned how to control my frizzy hair, I discovered tweezers and the art of makeup. The results were astonishing, I became a very pretty girl.
I went to Christian school, I was very involved. I played basketball, volleyball and I also cheered. Sounds pretty perfect, right? Again, I was bullied. This time because I was too happy, I was too “Godly” I was a virgin (like that's a bad thing!) And my favorite…”I smiled too much.”
I didn't have many friends in high school, I was insecure and consequently became bulimic. The same insecurity that followed me all throughout my childhood had come back to haunt me in high school. Ultimately leading me to get married at the young age of 18.
I wasn't happy, I was controlled by my insecurities, I feared rejection, and craved acceptance. I kept trying to fill a void in me with worldly desires. I followed my passion for dance and began: ballroom dancing (professionally), I started modeling, I began traveling as a model, I was in magazines (even on two front covers), I did a few commercials, and I won a few pageants. But none of it fulfilled me.
I wasn't ready to be married, neither one of us was. And unfortunately, he wasn't ready to be faithful to one person. Our marriage lasted a short 3 years, due to unfaithfulness. Which only made me more insecure, I felt inferior and unable to fulfill his needs. This was hard! Really hard on me, on the outside no one knew...But inside, I was depressed, and hurting.
This was a turning point in my life. I turned away from God. I remember, I got self righteous and began to blame God. I fell on my face and hard! But God is sooooooooooooo gracious. I could be fake to the world, put on a smile.. But God knew! God always knows!
2nd Chronicles 16:9 says “For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His” -
God wants a relationship with us - warts and all. How can we have a real relationship if we're not real with one another?
David, known as the man after God’s own heart. He was real with God and he got angry with Him, so did Jeremiah, Paul, Moses, Job, and Jonah, just to name a few. All got angry at God at some point. Anger is not a sin, it's a feeling! James says “Be angry and do not sin”, or “In your anger, do not sin.”
Anger is a feeling, like happiness. God never condemns us for our feelings, only for our actions.
Do you realize that every time you fall on your face, you have to get on your knees first, before you can get up? So at that moment of desperation, while I was on my knees, I got real with God. I was angry and I told Him.
It was at that moment that I surrendered my life to Jesus.
Shortly after, God brought me to my husband Sean. Who was literally my dream man, everything I ever prayed and hoped for, but because of my insecurities I stopped believing for him and settled.
God in all His grace and mercy allowed me to chase the wind.. Finding nothing but God, ready, waiting patiently, for me to see Him, He was there all along. Thank you Lord!
For what will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Matthew 16:26